


Knight of the Cartridge

by Wakelyn



Category: Le Chevalier de la Charrette | Lancelot the Knight of the Cart - Chrétien de Troyes
Genre: Parody, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:22:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21785899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wakelyn/pseuds/Wakelyn
Summary: Two brothers explore a hit new video game, and discover that it has some unusual quirks. Originally written for an assignment in Arthurian Fictions at Oberlin College. Familiarity with the source work is probably required to understand the jokes.





	Knight of the Cartridge

C: Hey bro, watcha doing?  
L: Just playing this new video game. It’s called Knight of the Cartridge.  
C: Cool. What’s it about?  
L: Well, the queen’s just been captured by some evil dude, and we need to go get her back.  
C: So it’s like Mario?  
L: No, you dumbass, it’s not like Mario. It’s an RPG. With a rich and compelling story.  
C: Whatever you say. Hey, what’s going on with your horse?  
L: My horse—dammit, you distracted me! I think I rode it too hard. It’s dead.  
C: Sucks to be you. Hey, who’s that guy?  
L: Be quiet, he’s talking.  
C: Is he the bad guy?  
L: Shhh!  
C: He’s giving you a new horse!  
L: I think his name was Owen? Anyway, at least I don’t have to keep going on foot.  
C: …  
L: …  
C: …  
L: Why are you still here?  
C: This is cool, I want to watch.  
L: I’ve just been riding through the wilderness for like, five minutes.  
C: Yeah, but something’s gonna happen soon, right?  
L: I hope so. The reviews are positive, at least.  
C: What’s happening to your horse?  
L: My horse—dammit, not again! You keep distracting me! It’s dead!  
C: Horses aren’t very durable in this game, are they?  
L: Ugh, now I need to keep going on foot.  
C: Maybe not. Look, there’s a dwarf with a cart!  
L: What? What does he want?  
C: It looks like he wants you to get in. This is perfect! It’ll speed things along!  
L: No, in the lore riding in a cart means you become an ostracized criminal. It’s actually a very humiliating—hey, what are you doing? Don’t touch my keyboard!  
C: He was gonna leave without you.  
L: What? We’re in the cart now? Oh, god…  
C: Hey, come on! It’ll be faster!  
L: Do you see all those townspeople booing at us?  
C: Uh… yeah?  
L: That’s because we’re in the cart! This just ruined my whole save, I’m going to start over.  
C: No, wait! You’ll have to ride through all that boring wilderness again!  
L: …I guess you’re right. Oh, god, that knight from before is back!  
C: Can we take his horse?  
L: No, he’s friendly! Besides, we’re stuck in the cart. We’ll have to wait this one out.  
C: …  
L: …  
C: Can I play?  
L: What? Nothing’s happening—okay, fine, you can sit here and watch this whole cart thing. I’m going to get a snack.  
C: Cool, see ya!  
L: …  
C: Hey, there’s a tower. And a woman. What’s she saying about beds?  
L: Hey, I’m back. Wait, what are you doing?  
C: I’m playing! Look, this woman just told us not to sleep in the best bed.  
L: Well, that’s fine. There’s another bed right there.  
C: Come on man, haven’t you played a video game before? We’ve gotta sleep in the forbidden bed! It’ll give us bonuses or something!  
L: What? That’s ridiculous! What kind of bonus?  
C: I dunno, maybe a magic weapon will fall from the sky?  
L: You’re an idiot.  
C: Well, I’m sleeping in the magic bed.  
L: Fine, but you’ll regret it.  
C: …  
L: …  
C: Whoa! What the hell? Is that a flaming lance?  
L: The bed’s on fire! You’re going to die!  
C: Nah, it’s fine. I put points into fire resistance while you were in the kitchen.  
L: Wait, you leveled up?  
C: Anyway, time to go back to sleep.  
L: You’re kidding, right? Someone just tried to kill you!  
C: No way, it was just the lance. Besides, I’m getting a full night’s sleep outta this.  
L: [sigh]  
C: Look, I’m awake! And I wasn’t killed!  
L: Hey, what’s going on outside?  
C: Is that the Queen? I’m going to go get her!  
L: Stop!  
C: Huh?  
L: You idiot, that’s a window! You were about to jump to your death!  
C: Oh, I guess so. Let’s take the stairs.  
L: Well, she’s gone now. But hey, this woman might have some information for us.  
C: What does she want? Oh, who cares, just tell me.  
L: I think you just gave her a future, no-questions-asked favor.  
C: Eh, it probably won’t ever come up.  
L: Hey, Owen’s here!  
C: Dude, I’m pretty sure it’s Gown.  
L: Gown? What? Wait, what’s the woman saying?  
C: Okay, there’s two bridges: the water bridge, and the sword bridge.  
L: What’s with the water bridge?  
C: It’s underwater.  
L: I’m pretty sure that’s not what a bridge is.  
C: Doesn’t matter, the sword bridge sounds like it’ll give us way more XP anyway.  
L: That’s ridiculous, it’ll take longer. Let’s just do the water bridge. Look, Owen’s letting us choose.  
C: Alright, let’s do the sword bridge. It’ll be way cooler!  
L: How do you know? And hey, this is my save! I don’t want my character to die!  
C: But what’s the point of having a character if he isn’t leveled up?  
L: No way. We’re taking the water bridge.  
C: FINE. If you want to go the boring route, we’ll go the—oh.  
L: Wait, what just happened?  
C: The dialogue timed out. Guess Gown’s choosing for us.  
L: Are you kidding me? Now he’s saying we have to do the sword bridge? This is so dumb.  
C: Nah, it’ll be cool. Let’s go!  
L: …  
C: …  
L: …  
C: I feel like you’re still mad at me.  
L: Yeah, a little bit. You could at least turn on subtitles, I think that knight just said something.  
C: Nah, we don’t need subtitles. We’ll just cross this river.  
L: Wait, what did he say? You talked over him.  
C: Who cares? He’ll be gone in a second.  
L: Just turn on the subtitles, please.  
C: Aren’t you the one who wanted to hurry up?  
L: It might be something important!  
C: Well, now you’re the one talking over him. Look, we’re about to cross.  
L: Look out!  
C: What the hell? He knocked me off my horse!  
L: Kill him!  
C: …  
L: …  
C: Finally! You’re dead!  
L: Wait! The woman wants you to spare him!  
C: But then I won’t get the XP!  
L: Maybe she’ll give you treasure?  
C: Eh…  
L: Come on, you’ll get enough XP from the sword bridge anyway.  
C: Alright, fine.  
L: …  
C: Well, that was a waste of time. Let’s keep going.  
L: …  
C: …  
L: Who’s that?  
C: Some lady. Wait, what?  
L: What is it? I couldn’t hear her.  
C: She’s inviting us back to her house.  
L: Can we just keep going?  
C: No, come on, it’ll be fun! Besides, it won’t take us too long, right?  
L: I mean…  
C: Seriously. What’s the worst that could happen?  
L: Attempted seduction, fake rape, and a duel with a rival suitor?  
C: Don’t be ridiculous.  
L: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

THE END  
(Or, rather, nowhere near it.)


End file.
